| um. yes. ok |
[24 Sep 2005|11:00pm] |
I don't know who i am anymore.
do you?
I'm blatently not the same person you first talked to all that time ago. I'm not the same person who was permanently in tears. who hated herself and who was some kind of manic annorexic. I'm not that person and i know i'm not. she's still inside me. and she comes out sometimes. and you usually have to deal with that. but i'm doing ok now. I don't take pills in the wrong quanitity,. i don't drink myself stupid for the purpose of causing myself harm.
I left college a different person to the one who started. I'm not the happiest of people. infact i'm insecure. i don't like myself most of the time. but i'm ok with who i've become. and i don't care if that's an "emofag" or whatever. I've found something in "emo" music that i can relate to. maybe it's because i've had the shittest year of my life. maybe it's because i've experienced the death of the closest person to me. maybe it's because i've fallen in love and lost him. or maybe it's because i've just hit some kind of deep weird level in my life right now.
I've lost some close friends. but i've gotten so much closer to others. like joe. a year ago me and joe spoke occasionally. went out together because we had friends in common. now. i trust him with my life. i feel like i can tell him stuff. and i like to think he could like vice verse type thing. i wouldn't care if no-one came out with us cause we have such a laugh together. and i think if i hadn't changed it wouldnt be that way. i wouldn't have him as such a good friend.
I've become stronger as a person. it doest feel that way, but when i look at what i've dealt with recently, i'm proud that i didnt fall back into my old ways. i havent stopped eating for weeks. i haven't drank myself stupid whilst on meds. and i haven't stuck a blade into my skin. and i'm so proud. i've never been so proud. i don't care anymore that my parents are more interested in my sister. i dont care that we dont see eye to eye, and that they don't understand me. and i'm not saying that to shrug it off. i truly feel that way. we've come to accept that we're different. and i can deal with that. I'm happy as who i am. people may not like me anymore because of the change. but i like me more. and that's got to count for something right?
oh and. i know this doesnt apply to you.
but.
so fucking what if i wear black nail varnish. and black make up.
and converse. and a studded belt. and tops with oh-so-emo pictures.
fuck you whores
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[04 Sep 2005|07:36pm] |
New poem peeps. What do we think?
( I won't care )
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[07 Aug 2005|10:12pm] |
Had an amazing day today, love it when it's just me and dan being stupid buggers. So yah I woke up this morning with a huge puffy eye, cause i spent half the night trying to get something scratchy out of it [it didnt work] I got well worked up over it, had a minor panic attack, and so had to get my mum up before I fell into some sort of coma....no it wasn't that bad, but there was no way I could sleep in that condition. So anyway. Back to today. I got up and had a nice long bath, and then a shower to wash mon hair. We actually have TRESemme again...so no more pantene-induced red skin. SCORE. My mum doesnt seem to believe that it is infact pantene that brings me out in a rash. tsk.
So yes. Dan came over and insulted my morning routine. And then I made him use the massagey machine on my legs muscles cause I was in loads of pain after dancing on friday. And then he put the facial attatchment on and played with it for ages whilst I put my face on [as my grandma would say] and we messed around in my room taking the piss out of how white I am and how un-white he is. And then we got bored. so we started watching a cinderella story...but got bored. So dan persuaded me to go to the pub [he promised me a drink]. Funny how things turn out...he didnt buy me one single drink. Apparently he has no money. I just gave him twenty fucking quid for the perfume I made him get me in duty free. sponger. Aaaaand then we went home. And we ate he dinner my mum made us. it was yummy. even though Dan doesnt like cheese sauce. we ate it all up like good children. and then we went to make fun of the chavs. and then we went home. to ou own houses. fin.
ooer and i'm taking my mum's credit card shoppin in meadow hall tomorrow. well more like my debit card. which wont get me very far. We have to go buy her something for ze wedding. and me a top for it. but i'm hoping for a whole outfit because i don't like the skirt. hence the reason i have never warn it. Plus i want to wear jeans. and converse. else i won't be comfy.
anywhore
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[06 Aug 2005|02:56pm] |
English Genius
You scored 92% Beginner, 100% Intermediate, 86% Advanced, and 86% Expert! |
You did so extremely well, even I can't find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don't. You have an extensive vocabulary, and you're not afraid to use it properly! Way to go!
Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it!
For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/. |
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My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 38% on Beginner |
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You scored higher than 63% on Intermediate |
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You scored higher than 26% on Advanced |
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You scored higher than 85% on Expert |
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how in hell did i do better at intermediate than beginner? but woo get me
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[04 Aug 2005|07:11pm] |
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Not really an update just ( evidence )of what I've been doing for the past however many days :)
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[16 Jul 2005|01:06am] |
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| Awwww isnt it priddy [yes] |
[06 Jul 2005|06:47pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 crazy [how cool is that dude] |
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music |
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grechen works in starbucks [on repeat] |
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[04 Jul 2005|11:05pm] |
I played cutty up clothes!!!
( pictures )
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| I just realised that this is so totally emo. oh well. |
[03 Jul 2005|11:28pm] |
*Someone* made me wonder why I’m depressed a lot, and I could think of obvious reasons, but I couldn’t think why they got to me so much. So, I made a list, of all the things that are good or make me feel good, and all those that are bad or make me feel bad (in no order, just how I wrote them down)
Good
Kelly-she’s crazy and I love her to pieces. She’s my best friend ever and I trust her 100%. She’s the person I would want to give up a kidney for, or she’d be first to know if I married Frank Iero and stuff like that. We’re moving out together, well, she’s moving out and I’m renting a room in her flat whenever I’ll be back home.
Rach-me and Rach are always gonna be close. Since I met her I’ve never kept anything from her and vice versa. And if I don’t get to go dress shopping with her in 3 years when she buys her wedding dress there’ll be words. Plus her fiancé is cool.
The smell of Diesel Plus Plus.
I know that I have friends who will always be there.
Claire-God love her. I know that whatever I say, she will never hate me and never judge. She never has a bad word to say about anyone. And she’ll always be there whether I ask her to be or not. I owe it to Claire that I’m not dead.
Jana-me and Jana are a weird combination. The good weird. She is one of my closest friends ever. We are exactly, exactly alike (so really we should annoy the hell out of each other), and we know what the other is thinking. Yet she is four years younger than me.
Coca-cola, ice cold.
Freedom of speech.
Jennifer-I’ve known her forever and ever, yet we’ve never fallen out, in fact I don’t think we’ve ever argued. Plus she’s a loony.
Katie-I know that if she could, she’d do anything for me, and I’d do the same for her.
Poetry-not by poets, but by people.
Music to cry to.
Converse-they make me happy.
Sukainah-my cousin and God daughter, she’s the best thing in my life. She’s my baby, I love her to pieces.
Jamaal-my cousin, I’ve never seen a more beautiful 4-year old in my life.
My other close friends/friends-Valerie (love her), Suzie, Abi, Sophie, Tor, Daniel, Emily, Sam, Mel, Patrice, Martin, Joe, Teala, Sham <3, Nicole, Nick, Millie.
Dan-so gay, yet I love him so much. It’s uncontrollable, and he’s one of my best friends. Every girl deserves a gay best friend.
Mosh-I love it in there, especially on a Friday night.
Frank Iero (had to fit him in somewhere).
Music in general, except all the pop/urban shit.
Dancing, especially competitions. But not hurting myself. Because that hurts.
Online-y people-love talking to some of these crazy kids. Sophie, Ami, Jason, Lauryn, Kieran, EmoMarc, Katieginky.
Weed-yes I know it’s a bad habit, but it makes me happy when I’m not.
Renee-whatever shit went on with everyone and everything, she’s still my pretend mommy and she’s cool for that reason.
Paperchase-one fucking cool ass shop. I get all my notebooks from there.
Making lists. Like this. Because it makes me feel organised.
Patrick-at the minute obviously. Well not quite at the minute because he’s in Leeds.
Matt.
Bad.
Knowing I’m depressed.
Hormones.
Chemistry.n
Exams.
Failing exams.
Nick-the pervy chef at work. He scares me something rotten :/
Michael-for being such an ass to me, plus he got Nicole pregnant.
Insomnia.
Medication.
Kirsty Matlock-her whole purpose in life is to suck me in and make me think she’s vulnerable, or nice, or whatever, then bitch about me, or slag me off, or make me feel about two inches tall.
The head doctor. Who thinks I’m psycho.
Bitches-and there are a lot. Especially ones who seem to hate me.
My Nana dying-I know she was ill and in pain, so at least she’s in peace now, but it’s so damn unfair. She had cancer for 10 years, and out lived the time they gave her by 9 years. I miss her so much.
My Grandpa. I miss him. I just want to see him one last time so I could remember what he was like, instead of hearing about him. I was only three when he died, so I can’t remember him, and that’s what hurts.
My family-sometimes I just need a hug, but I can’t get that because they don’t feel close to me. They don’t understand me.
Not being who my family want me to be.
Missing people
Heartache.
The way I am. Who I am. What I am.
Anorexia-I hate it. It took over my whole life, and it’s taking over again.
Wanting to die.
Having to fill out health forms, and circling ‘yes’ under the ‘eating disorder’, ‘self-harm’ and ‘psychotherapy’ boxes.
I’ve never met one of my best and closest friends.
The part of Dan that hates the part of me that loves him.
The kiss.
My best friends will all be in Leicester next year, and I won’t be.
The way that sometimes I just can’t face days, so I don’t. And I take an extra sleeping pill so that I sleep through it.
Feeling inadequate.
Katie-she went from being someone I trusted to someone who makes me feel physically sick every time I see her.
Matt-no-one has ever hurt me like he has. And I’m still not over that.
Knowing that I seriously contemplated suicide.
Paddy-he’s gone forever. I wish he was here being stupid, I wish he was back. I wish for it every day. He’s my best friend. I can’t live without him. I hate what he went through. I hate that he stayed silent. I hate that he was alone in it all. I hate his dad
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[03 Jul 2005|10:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 still a little tipsy |
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music |
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cue the violins - the mascara story |
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Blaah. Party at Val’s last night. It was cool. I guess it didn’t help that I can’t stand the majority of people in my year, and the ones I actually like didn’t go. So yes. I spent the whole night upstairs in various bedrooms. Claire and I shared one of the HUGE bottles of Lambrini before we went to Val’s. That’s was fun. Well it wasn’t because lambrini tastes like crap, however it’s cheap and gets one steaming. Oh and we downed four after shocks each. *wasters* We were so late getting to Val’s because I kept getting distracted and walking in the opposite direction to Claire (not advisable whilst walking through an area you are unfamiliar with). So yup. Did the usual drinking bout a full bottle of vodka during the night, a couple of cans of Stella (not too keen on the stuff) and a few shots of black vodka (absolutely FOUL, but a necessary experience). *misbehaved* a little bit, and in hindsight (oh what a great creation that was) it wasn’t such a good idea. For a number of reasons, one being Daniela. I rang a considerable amount of people too. My balance has gone from just under a tenner to £2. How?????? And yes I know that I rang Sophie and Lauryn and left very drunken messages on their voicemails. But in fairness, Sophie had it coming after deciding that I was well and truly EMO. She’s just jealous because I own more pairs of converse than she does. And mine have ribbon laces. And a FFAF pin. Ohyes. Oooh, and after everyone left, me and Val sat and ate mango chutney. That was hella fun. Until she flicked it across my jeans. Which I had to wear in the morning due to me having no clean clothes with me. Got a call from Claire who’d been in town and needed rescuing, so had one for the road (a large glass of Malibu, a couple of shots of black vodka, two snowballs and a round of swigswigpass) and left. For those unfamiliar with the rules of swigswigpass, I’ll write them up below. So anyways. It took Claire and myself roughly 50 minutes to walk the 15 minute journey to hers, by which time I was still wasted, but very cold. We got in about 5am (to quote Dan “fucking hardcore”) and I slept on the floor in Claire’s living room. There was a perfectly adequate sized sofa next to me…but I didn’t make it that far. Waking up at 8.30am was fun. Or not. I felt absolutely fine. Until I tried to walk t the bathroom and realised I was still wasted as fuck. Turned up at Val’s at about 11.30 to help clean up (seeing as I probably made the most mess out of everyone) only to find they’d done it. So we sat on the sofa eating toast and playing several rounds of swigswigpass. And now. I’m home.
In other news, Matt, Dan, Ashley and Nick had a guys’ night in last night. I can only imagine how that turned out. I received several phone calls from Dan all along the lines of ‘Sarah what would you do if I shagged Matt?’ Erm. Ok. Worry. A lot. Obviously I have to hold on the boy. We’re not together. It’d just be nice to know that the guy I’m in love with wasn’t shagging lads. Plus, Dan and Ashley are very much a loved up gayness couple right now, so that leads me to believe that possibly Dan AND Ashley wanted a piece of Matt. And then Nick would be left out, so it is possible that he would join in. Turning guys’ night in into gay foursome night. (Tickets £10 available from me).
I am going to see The Mascara Story. Because we all know that I stalk them. Well not quite but I frikkin love their music.
Aaaand I’ve written a large number of writings. I can’t really cal them poems because they suck. But I’ll type them up some time perhaps tomorrow as I have no life (we all know that’s not quite true. Don’t we.)
Repost for Sophie:
and i want this as a tattoo:
( looky )
SwigSwigPass – Rules
1. Take a large bottle of a highly alcoholic substance (vodka is a good choice).
2. Sit everybody round in a large circle.
3. Choose one person to start.
4. The starter takes the bottle
5. Swig
6. Swig
7. Pass the bottle.
8. Continue until there is no alcohol left in the house, or until medical attention is required, whichever comes first.
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[23 Jun 2005|08:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 hmm |
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music |
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the mascara story, cue the violins |
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As promised the ever so exciting bandagedness.
( *click me click me* )
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[22 Jun 2005|11:21am] |
Well. Sarah is officially a walking bandage. I cut my arm quite deep on some glas today wooo. i had to go to hospical and get it x-rayed and looked at and bandaged. wooo i'm sooo clumsy. woo. and i took pictures...but i need to find the usb cable....
annd....
( Yes I was bored )
Yes. I have no life.
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| Guess What. |
[21 Jun 2005|09:54pm] |
Remeber how I broke my finger two weeks ago at work?
I broke another one at dancing oh yeah oh yeah (why do i keep saying that?)
It's fucking kills and i now have to type one handed. plus i fell off matt's skateboard earlier. he don't skate anymore, after he it err...13. and i didn't realise it was broken. and OWWWW i have THEE biggest grazed elbow ever.
Plus I have new underwear from la senza oh yeah oh...shut up.
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| I stole this again. Because I'm a whore. Oh yeah, Oh yeah. |
[21 Jun 2005|04:48pm] |
Plus I'm bored so I'm gonna answer it.
1. Tell me something obvious about yourself.
I'm the best person you will ever meet. and modest.
2. Tell me something about yourself that I don't know.
Me and Kelly had a competition once, of how many guys we could kiss in one club. I won. ohyes.
3. What is your biggest fear?
Fear
4. Do you normally take the safe route or the shortcut?
the shortcut. duuuh. why walk 2 miles when you can walk one? actually why walk at all? get the frikkin bus.
5. What is the one thing you want the most that you can't buy with money?
frank iero. no **** no wait. i dont knoooow.
6. What is your most treasured possession?
My cd collection, possibly.
7. What is the one thing you hate most about yourself that you do the most often?
Fall for stupid stupid cheating matt.
8. Tell me something about you sexually that I don't know.
Errr. hmm. I did baaaad things with someone in the toilets of a club.
9. Tell me something about you sexually that everybody knows.
I'm not a virgin?
10. What is your favorite lie to tell?
I have no middle name.
11. Name something you have done once that you can't wait to do again.
Patrick
12. Are you the jealous type?
Well I got pretty jealous when Matt was shagging whatsherface.
13. What is the 1 person, place or thing that you can never say no to?
Matt.
14. What is the nicest thing someone has ever done for you?
erm. i dunno. people are bitches to me. er. bought me gig tickets.
15. If you could do something crazy right now, what would it be?
shag frank iero
16. When was the last time you cried?
Today.
17. When was the last time you felt so good that nothing else mattered?
haha now that would be telling. friday night.
18. Do you feel comfortable in public with no shirt on?
err no. plus i might get arrested for indecent exposure.
19. Name something embarrassing you did while drunk/high/whatever.
insert my answer
20. If you post this in your journal, do you want me to answer it?
Errr...
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[20 Jun 2005|01:52pm] |
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| Stolen from Zoe |
[20 Jun 2005|11:06am] |
-----------------DESCRIBE------------------
[x] The shoes you wore today: Haven't put any shoes on yet.
[x] Your eyes: blue
[x] Your fears: high ceilings, insanity
-----------------WHAT IS------------------
[x] Your most overused phrase on aim: mhm
[x] Your thoughts first waking up: shit, it's hot
[x] The first feature you notice in the opposite sex: hair (shallow) and eyes
[x] Your best physical feature: errrrr...?
[x] Your bedtime: whenever.
[x] Your most missed memory: Paddy
-----------------YOU PREFER------------------
[x] Pepsi or Coke: coke
[x] McDonald's or Burger King: neither, but if i had to pick, mcdonalds
[x] Single or group dates: single dates
[x] Adidas or Nike: neither. do i look like a chav?
[x] Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla.
[x] Cappuccino or coffee: neither. ick.
-----------------DO YOU------------------
[x] Smoke: not often
[x] Curse: errr. I am the author of 'how to use 'fuck' in any situation'
[x] Take a shower everyday: yup
[x] Have any crushes?: um....
[x] Who are they: They know who they are
[x] Do you think you've been in love?: yup. and it hurts.
[x] Want to go to college: i just finished college :)
[x] Like high school: I didn't mind high school...it was ages ago though. (high school's year 7-9 right?)
[x] Want to get married: maybe, i definately want the party and the dress and everything.
[x] Type w/ your fingers on the right keys: like touch-type? yes.
[x] Believe in yourself: what's there to believe in?
[x] Get motion sickness: yes, the worst.
[x] Think you're a health freak: well i try to eat healthily
[x] Get along with your parents: rarely
[x] Like thunderstorms: most of the time.
------------IN THE PAST MONTH DID / HAVE YOU--------------
[x] Gone to the mall: yes
[x] Eaten sushi: ew no
[x] Been on stage: yep
[x] Been dumped: nope
[x] Gone skating: er no
[x] Made homemade cookies: nope
[x] Dyed your hair: yup
[x] Stolen anything: yup, a letter
-----------------HAVE YOU EVER------------------
[x] Flown on a plane: Yes
[x] Missed school because it was raining?: yup, i couldn't be bothered to go, or something
[x] Told a guy/girl that you liked them?: err yes.
[x] Cried during a Movie?: yup
[x] Ever thought an animated character was hot?: err no
[x] Had an imaginary friend: when i was little. oh and frank (roxy made him jump of a 4 storey bus)
[x] Cut your hair?: yup
[x] Had crush on a teacher?: ew no
[x] Been called a tease: a ho, yes
[x] Gotten beaten up?: yup
[x] Been in a fight: haha hell yes
[x] Shoplifted: yup
-----------------THE FUTURE------------------
[x] Age you hope to be married: when it happens. I'm not gonna be like ooo, i'm 27, i need to get married.
[x] Numbers of Children: err
[x] Descibe your Dream Wedding: dunno, but i worked a wedding reception on saturday and it was beautiful. i just want a purty dress.
[x] How do you want to die?: shagging frank iero.
[x] What do you want to be when you grow up? happy? a nurse.
[x] What country would you most like to visit?: Canada
-----------------OPPOSITE SEX------------------
[x] Best eye color: does it matter?
[x] Best hair color: any, but black hair is hot.
[x] Short or long hair: whatever, but i prefer longer
[x] Best height: what? taller than me.
[x] Best weight: doesnt matter
[x] Best first date location: anywhere. only not a football match
[x] Best first kiss location: does it really matter?
-----------------NUMBER OF-----------------
[x] Number of Boyfriends/Girlfriends: since when? a few
[x] Number of drugs taken illegally: I'm good. just weed. occasionally.
[x] Number of people I could trust with my life: a couple
[x] Number of CDs that I own: lots :)
[x] Number of piercings: one, and two healed ones
[x] Number of tattoos: None, yet
[x] Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: three times i think
[x] Number of scars on my body: a lot.
[x] Number of things in my past that I regret: more than i should regret.
----------------FAVORITES------------------
[x] Shampoo: tresemme
[x] Fav Color(s): black and pink
[x] Day/Night: night
[x] Summer/Winter: autumn
[x] Lace or Satin: lace
[x] Fave Cartoon: daria
[x] Fave Food: pasta
[x] Fave Movies: 10 things i hate about you, pearl harbor, err...some more
[x] Fave sport: does dancing count?
----------------RIGHT NOW------------------
[x] Right Now Wearing: pyjamas :P
[x] Drinking: mango juice
[x] Thinking about: biology
[x] Listening to: the mascara story
---------------IN THE LAST 24 HRS------------------
[x] Cried: surprisingly no
[x] Worn jeans: not surprisingly yes
[x] Met someone new online: no
[x] Done laundry: yup
[x] Drove a car: nope
---------------DO YOU BELIEVE IN--------------
[x] Yourself: no, didn't i already get asked this?
[x] Your friends: of course
[x] Santa Claus: no
[x] Tooth Fairy: yes
[x] Destiny/Fate: yes
[x] Angels: yes
[x] Ghosts: yes
[x] UFO's: no
[x] God: yes
------------FRIENDS AND LIFE------------------
[x] Do you ever wish you had another name?: ohyes
[x] Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?: no, but um. shhh.
[x] Do you like anyone?: yes :)
[x] Which one of your friends acts the most like you?: well Jana practically is me, but me and kelly are both crazy. and me and rachel like the same everything.
[x] Are you close to any family member?: not really
[x] What's the best feeling in the world?: err...haha
[x] Worst Feeling?: heart ache
[x] What time is it now?: 11.41am
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[19 Jun 2005|10:47pm] |
This is something someone I know has on their web page. I don't know if she wrote it, or it was written by someone else, but I know it's how she's feeling. And I just want to huggle her.
Who the fuck do you think you're kidding? You're pulling me down, you're never around. I wish I could show you I know how you feel, but the truth is...I probably don't. So this is my ignorance, this is your cue. If you don't want to know me, you've got nothing to lose. But all I ever did was love you...and I loved you so much that you don't want to know me. And I'm dying to be beautiful, but I'm lying to myself. Everything I hoped I could be and everything I ever was became the most different things in the world. I can't remember what it feels like to be normal. Not to be isolated, scrutinised, ridiculed. I don't feel anymore. There's nothing inside but a dull greyness. And when you focus on it, it begins to ache, and it aches so long it begins to hurt. And after a while, it hurts too much. But I'm dying to be beautiful, and I know I messed up. There's so much ahead but I keep looking back. I wish I could know you as much as I claim. But the thing is, nobody wants to know me. You're everything I want to be, everything I'm not. I wish I could be like you. When I grow up, I want to be just like you.
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